Squirrel Sweeps

Spring has arrived, and those blasted squirrels are back in the yard, eating flower shoots, digging up bulbs, and making a mess of things.

This will be the 29th year that I've trapped squirrels in a live trap. A little dab of peanut butter is all the bait you need. Squirrels are horribly addicted to the stuff. They don't even realize they are trapped until the peanut butter is gone and they look up. "What the?" and then they start running back and forth, trying to ramrod their way out. They need a Peanut Butter Anonymous sponsor.

I haul them far away. "We don't want your kind here!" I growl mayorally. "This is really for their own good, and we are putting resources into ensuring that the squirrels won't have to come back into the yard. In fact, we have established two nesting areas in someone else's neighborhood for the 2,631 squirrels counted over the winter."

See, squirrels are bad for a residential neighborhood. They depress housing prices, create a mess. They are stinky. As crazy as it seems, some of the neighbors are actually feeding squirrels. But we know if you start caring for squirrels, they'll just keep hanging out and creating more of a nuisance.